Have you ever felt that you can never love someone romantically? I like the idea of romance but not the thought of being in it. I have my share of relationships but it never ended well. I didn’t actively sought it out as I preferred my own company rather than others and although I did I liked them- that was it. I liked them but I never loved any of them. As time pass on, they would demand more of me but it was never enough for them. When the time came to split, I didn’t feel anything bad. In fact I’m pretty sure I felt happier and free. So when my friends cried about their breakups I simply didn’t know how to feel. The rational part of me would try to console her but there’s also this other part where I felt annoyed. This might sound contradicting but although I understand that one would feel sad about it, I didn’t. I wanted to empathise but I couldn’t.
So that lead to many awkward situations where I “try” to soothe them and pat their backs. I like my friends of course and watching them feel sad didn’t make me feel happy either but I wish I could be more understanding sometimes. Well at least that’s how I try to convince myself. Anyway, the topic itself was brought up by my mum a few days ago. Like any stereotypical Asian mum, she likes to talk about me finding a boyfriend and get married soon(ever since I was young). I think the closest feeling of romantic love I got was for characters in video games (＠￣Д￣＠；)
When I was a kid and even now, society still says things like “No matter how high your(woman) education is, you will end up staying in the kitchen.” I scoffed at that 10 years ago and I still do now. I honestly can’t imagine myself acting no less than a servant to someone I just met(in comparison with my own family). Although that was one of the reasons why I grew up independent to prove them wrong, I kinda believed that I would find someone that will treat me like a partner. It’s not an impossible feat at least. But when I thought about it, the same problem remains. It’s not that I can’t accept them as my S.O but I honestly don’t think I could ever fall in love with them. I like guys. I like girls too. Hold on- not in that sense. I meant that I can appreciate their behaviour, appearance and personality. But that was it.
Is it even possible to marry someone but in a platonic way? Or better yet- Can I just stay single and be a cat mom forever (*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ))
On a side note: I finished watching Three Lives Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms !! Mo Yuan for best shifu~